Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hush-hush


Dear Assistant to Lady Rosewater,

Through careful consideration and thoughtful planning it has come to be realized that the plexibubble fortune can only exist if certain polymers are extracted from asteroids within our solar system. Sci-Fi? Not quite as the plexy in the Plexibubble is derived from Plexybutanol-hydrate-cosmostic-matterum (pronunciation may vary) from the rings around Saturn. It has become possible in the last few years to mine such an element with the help of the Russians, who unknown to almost everyone, have been pursuing a plexybutanol-hydrate-cosmotic-matterum alternative for the last 15 years.

We were able to construct one plexibubble that would contain and encase the Honorable Sultan Armand Periwinkle's head to ensure his life and well-being. However, the limited and rare materials found on our glorious planet Earth could only be extracted and formed to make the headgear element of the entire plexy suit. Yes, we have been trying to create an entire plexibubble suit for A. Periwinkle to keep in accordance with Article 4321005 of the International Impressive Peoples Act of 1978. This article states that all those of heightened cosmic importance to the human race must be preserved as living and with cognitive capabilities intact. The plexibubble head treatment, in all honesty, only allowed for A. Periwinkle to retain his brain and head mass while allowing for normal wear and tear to reek havoc on the rest of his body.

We must keep this information hush hush hush, to make sure that the Russians don't take us for a proverbial ride with costs. A. Periwinkle is intending to live for another 102 years at the very least and as we all know the US dollar in 2000 has not baring on the US dollar in 2102. For fear of losing A. Periwinkle and all the priceless knowledge that he may well bestow in the next century the Periwinkle Camp has decided to go along with the plan to extract interstellar materials. We will need the support of the Rosewater Camp and must for the first time since our Alliance has been formed rely on an outside source. This source is well known on the black market and is under the control of one Paco Cottonbaughum.

I am sorry to alarm you. We must keep this as secret as Armand and Kitty's 32nd joint face lift operation (when doctors removed the skin from teddy bear hamsters in order to restore and relocate skin and fluffy hair to the scalp and forehead).

Please send your blessings,
Darwin Whitecrest

A. Periwinkle's devote

Friday, February 23, 2007

Alas, we were not able to meet at the auction for auctioneers, nor did we catch a glimpse of one another at the Soho afterparty sponsored by the debonair Diddy-daddy-do. All the while, Darwin wished that he could replace champagne bubbles with a decent tet-a-tete with me. He needed to discuss a secret project: The Plexi-Bubble Extraction.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Dear Mr. Whitecrest,

I apologize for the missing details regarding our auction location, a minor problem that occurred with a good number of our invitations due its edible nature. Our carrier pigeons are feeling the side effects of that clerical misjudgement. Find the enclosed auction address [omitted from this post due to security concerns]. We will add an additional note regarding the plexibubble to our program. My curiosity concerning this device has the better of me. Guests to the auction will be arriving via helicopter or parachute, as usual. Will Mr. Periwinkle’s plexibubble helmet prevent lifts and drops?

Anastasia van Orange

Dear Ms. van Orange,

Your invitation is accepted and much appreciated. His Honor and Sultan A. Periwinkle is in Santa Fe, where the climate allows for his rejuvenation of cells and yet diagnosed growths to flourish. I do accept your invitation on his behalf but we need a specific date. You see, Armand’s plexybubble is being refitted for him. The doctors have collectively agreed that Armand needs to breathe pure Ozone and so the plexybubble was the only solution. This bubble of plexi-plastic material acts as a helmet, a shield that only covers his head and regulates his atmosphere. Though complicated sounding, no preparations need to be made for him whilst attending the auction. He would only ask that an explanation and description of the plexy bubble be added to the bottom of the auction item description. Something to the point. “His Honorable Sultan Periwinkle is now undergoing treatment for old age and upper respiratory cleansing. Please take no heed when you see a rather large helmet surrounding his head and seemingly cutting off his air-supply. What he wears is a plexybubble helmet and it is by doctor’s orders.” This is only so that those attending do not become overtaken with unnecessary worry with regards to Armand’s well-being.

Cheers,

Darwin Whitecrest
Personal Assistant to A. Periwinkle
VP Chairperson of Plexy Bubble Inc.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Auction Invitation

The following is a Copy of invitation to Lady Kitty Rosewater's Charity Auction. The originals have since decomposed.

Notice to Darwin Whitecrest; Personal Assistant and Chronic Liaison:

Thank you very much for the newsletter concerning our dear Armand. Lady Rosewater, my employer, was surprised to learn that he is well. Rumors have been unkind as of late. Knitting circles and weblogs have been spinning tales of illness.

In response, Lady Rosewater cordially invites both you and Armand to our favorite charity event. We will be holding our New York Auction at Christy’s Auction House. You may arrive as per usual protocol, by helicopter or parachute. This year’s theme is: auction for auctioneers. The money raised will go to the auctioneers suffering from various forms of arthritis from gavel handling and fast-talking.

As Lady Rosewater is chairwoman and designated “big spender” of the event, we would be pleased to the teeth if Armand could attend.

Love to all,
Anastasia van Orange
Assistant to Lady Rosewater

**Christy's Auction House is not the same well-known Christie's © auction house located in London, England.

Armand Periwinkle Fanclub

To all members of the Armand Periwinkle fan club, this is just a message dismissing any rumor that Armand is dead. I know throughout the international circles of hob-knobbing that this was considered fact. However, our idol and icon is very much alive and deliriously content. Living well over 102 years on this glorious planet Earth, Armand sends his love and phlegm covered wishes to you all.

Thanks and good tidings,

Personal Assistant and Chronic Liaison,
Darwin Whitecrest

The Invisible Hand of the 20th and 21st Century


They ask nothing of us—apart from a general request to abstain from the human tendencies that include stealing, lying, and brutalizing each another. They invent the technologies we use, set the standards of fashion, manage vast fortunes, and seem to live forever. But more importantly, they work night and day to protect the world from villains and imbeciles who would destroy the very tectonic plates beneath the Earth's crust, just to attain ultimate power. The Illuminati is too weak an organization to hold them in check and Forbes richest couldn't pay for their lifestyle. These few ladies, barons, and sultans (LBS) would be hailed as heroes, if their work was known. I call one of them "boss."

The LBS motto is "Set others free with an invisible hand." This motto was found in a small fortune cookie given to me by the perennial fashion plate and an original LBS member, Lady Kitty Rosewater. At the time, I was a New York City doorman, or rather door person, at one of her many residences. One bright afternoon she threw the cookie to me after returning from a drive to the country. She later emerged from the building near the end of my shift in order to present a robotic plexiglass arm to me. Was it a play on the motto? Did it mean that I was let in on the secret? Only Lady Rosewater could convey such a subtle message with this kind of daring maneuver in mid-afternoon. I have collected may relics since that time and accrued countless hours as the ever faithful assistant to Lady Kitty Rosewater.

Read the following correspondences at your leisure as my esteemed colleague, Darwin Whitecrest and I reveal the secret world of the LBS, with their permission, of course. -Anastasia van Orange