Secret societies and identities

Dear Anastasia van Orange of Rosewater & Associates,

I wish that our replies were not of such dire urgency and that they could be more casual or inviting. However, it has come to my attention with our dealings with the F.B.I., C.I.A., and C.U.N.A.N.A. that your contact Zinovy Milchovy who worked as chief of Soviet affairs was killed in 1983 at which time Simone Vicaduer assumed his likeness and political standings. For the past 17 years we've been following Simone aka Zinovy and her actions since her reconstructive surgery and gender altering operation. As you may or may not have known, Z. Milchovy was only 4 foot 8 and Simone was an awe inspiring 6 foot 4 . . .they actually had to shrink and manipulate her body to Milchovy’s tiny stature.

It has come to our attention that when she was being fitted for her new body, that an evil and corrupt faction of the L.L.B.G.S., know known as the E.C.F.O.T.C.U.N.A.N.A., installed a kind of mind control mechanism that at any time can be activated by a hidden satellite orbiting the moon. These members of the E.C.F.T.C.U.N.A.N.A., could very well strike at any moment using Milchovy’s new title in the Cryogenic Bio world against A. Periwinkle and all those who want to mine interstellar materials and foil our ambitions. Plexibbbles would be impossible! I’m sorry to get so worked up but if anything ever happened to Armand, I don’t know where I would go or do or be.

It has come to my attention that on Lady Rosewater’s last excursion to the Alps, which you cited in your last letter, was actually a clever plan to get rid of your employer. I guess that those involved in the hit didn't take into account that Lady Rosewater was once an Olympic skier and used to head many a Ski Patrol in her younger days. I have heard that just when they were about to shoot the Lady in the back of the head, she veered off a cliff to the left of the slope. As we all know, Lady Rosewater takes full advantage of life and left the Russian Party to explore other parts of the mountain. I guess they didn't count that Kitty always wears a parachute under her Chanel ski jacket. I think this was because of all of the flights that she took with good old Amelia, who had a nasty habit of running out of gas at 15,000 feet.

With regard to Paco Cottonbaughum, I don’t know much about him except that Armand considers him to be a long time friend. Their bond is based on trust and appreciation. Armand won’t talk to me about the origins of their friendship, but I have an inkling that they became friends when Armand used to visit orphanages and Juvenile detention facilities as a teen, lecturing on fine manners and stock market investments. Most of those who took his lectures seriously were once poor delinquents or abandoned children and now are the head of Internet companies and International law firms. I have a feeling that even Paco as the king of many realms of many regions of the Black Market that Armand respects his business savvy and impeccable fashion sense. As for his official biography, I know very little. . .which saddens me since I know even less about your history Anastasia Van Orange. All I know is that you have a wonderful sense of the English language. . .and I am sure being Kitty Rosewater’s personal assistant that you know many primitive and currently used languages. When these international scandals and assassination attempts become less frequent, we really should find more about each other.

Oh—Armand just returned from a peanut and coconut oil eyelid treatment so I must go now. But please have your sources find out more about Milchovy and we will figure a way to proceed with the interstellar mining procedure. . .

Sincerely,

Darwin Whitecrest

Dear Darwin Whitecrest, right hand (or both) to Armand Periwinkle,

According to my employer, Lady Rosewater, the time to act is now. She attended the international scientist council on issues of stellar mining techniques back in 1992 and knew that it could be achieved. That it is achievable now, is a surprise. Our links to Russia are few. We have recently ceased communications with President Putin due to some very bad sushi in the UK. The man is positively flush with radioactive assassins.

Those connections we do possess are of a very personal nature. Vladmir Pushkin IV (the renowned fashion designer who dresses all of the Siberian elite) and Lady Rosewater are very close indeed. Zinovy Milchovy, formerly chief of Soviet Affairs and now Director of Cryogenic Bio Pharmacy can also be counted among the friends of Lady Rosewater. Each were honored only last year when they had the pleasure of sharing a skiing excursion in the lower alps of Switzerland.

We are not entirely familiar with P. Cottonbaughum. I would like a more complete bio on your mining partner in order to be a better help. Suspicion in all matters cannot be helped as you may be aware of Lady Kitty Rosewater's past dealings.

I commend you in your search for perfection of this life enhancing plexibubble. All methods must be considered in preserving our respected employers. Lady Rosewater's funds and connections are therefore yours to use at your discretion. Do not worry about the absolute silence that we will retain on this subject.

Yours,

Anastasia van Orange, communications advisor and assistant to Lady Rosewater

Hush-hush

Dear Assistant to Lady Rosewater,

Through careful consideration and thoughtful planning it has come to be realized that the plexibubble fortune can only exist if certain polymers are extracted from asteroids within our solar system. Sci-Fi? Not quite as the plexy in the Plexibubble is derived from Plexybutanol-hydrate-cosmostic-matterum (pronunciation may vary) from the rings around Saturn. It has become possible in the last few years to mine such an element with the help of the Russians, who unknown to almost everyone, have been pursuing a plexybutanol-hydrate-cosmotic-matterum alternative for the last 15 years.

We were able to construct one plexibubble that would contain and encase the Honorable Sultan Armand Periwinkle's head to ensure his life and well-being. However, the limited and rare materials found on our glorious planet Earth could only be extracted and formed to make the headgear element of the entire plexy suit. Yes, we have been trying to create an entire plexibubble suit for A. Periwinkle to keep in accordance with Article 4321005 of the International Impressive Peoples Act of 1978. This article states that all those of heightened cosmic importance to the human race must be preserved as living and with cognitive capabilities intact. The plexibubble head treatment, in all honesty, only allowed for A. Periwinkle to retain his brain and head mass while allowing for normal wear and tear to reek havoc on the rest of his body.

We must keep this information hush hush hush, to make sure that the Russians don't take us for a proverbial ride with costs. A. Periwinkle is intending to live for another 102 years at the very least and as we all know the US dollar in 2000 has not baring on the US dollar in 2102. For fear of losing A. Periwinkle and all the priceless knowledge that he may well bestow in the next century the Periwinkle Camp has decided to go along with the plan to extract interstellar materials. We will need the support of the Rosewater Camp and must for the first time since our Alliance has been formed rely on an outside source. This source is well known on the black market and is under the control of one Paco Cottonbaughum.

I am sorry to alarm you. We must keep this as secret as Armand and Kitty's 32nd joint face lift operation (when doctors removed the skin from teddy bear hamsters in order to restore and relocate skin and fluffy hair to the scalp and forehead).

Please send your blessings,
Darwin Whitecrest

A. Periwinkle's devote

Alas, we were not able to meet at the auction for auctioneers, nor did we catch a glimpse of one another at the Soho afterparty sponsored by the debonair Diddy-daddy-do. All the while, Darwin wished that he could replace champagne bubbles with a decent tet-a-tete with me. He needed to discuss a secret project: The Plexi-Bubble Extraction.